Learning to Lose

It has been a while since I have written. While I wasn't really physically doing much, there was a lot of learning going on. A lot of learning about me. I was learning about me the hard way - about 3 weeks ago, I failed a flying test. To make the gravity of the situation clear, failing a flying test can have slightly harsher consequences than failing a test (or even a class) at university, or failing your driver's test. It could mean the end of a piloting career here. Out of an original class of 20 on my first flying course, 13 remain (and only 3 out of the 10 of us who didn't already have a pilot's license). So failing = bad.

First thing about me that I didn't know - I am not good at flying tests. I am pretty good at flying, but somehow the tests don't fit under the same category. The lowest mark that can be awarded on any flight is "unsatisfactory," followed by "marginal" and then "low standard." Out of the 79 flights I have done so far, I have one unsatisfactory and two low standards. I have only done 3 tests - one was unsat and another was low standard. How is that for keeping a high proportion of bad grades at the important times? Pretty bad.

Another thing is realizing where my strong points are. I always thought that I would be struggling through the "hands and feet" aspect of flying - I could make the right decision at the right time, and the challenge would be making the plane do what I want. As it turns out, it is quite the opposite. I actually have good piloting skills, but I make bad decisions more than I should. One of the instructors said that my aircraft control is smoother than 95% of the people here. Looks like I will be spending more time thinking about what to do, since the part of actually doing it doesn't seem to be my problem.

The most important thing I have been learning is how to handle failing. I'm not big into losing. Sure, I can lose in board games and solitaire and sports, but the implications of this one made it much more important. Having been part of losing sports teams was probably a big help, but my experience that was most nearly related was getting hired for Rapattack, the guys who rappel from helicopters to fight forest fires, and then injuring myself and not being able to do it. Wow, did I ever think that life was going to end. I was not a happy person at all. I thought I needed to do it to get points for my city firefighter application. If I didn't do the job, I wouldn't be able to go on the vacation I was planning and I wouldn't get hired by the city. I wouldn't have the career I wanted, and I was pretty pissed off about that. All the world was against me, and I wasn't too happy with the world either. I saw no good in this at all. Trust me, you did not want to be around me.

This time... I had to do it better. I decided that the world does not stop just because I did something wrong. I have every right to be upset, and no right whatsoever to be rude, impatient, or angry with people around me. My temper seemed to be slightly shorter in the weeks following my failed test, and that is something for me to consider next time, but it was much improved over the last time. I decided that, while self-reflection and consideration are called for, moping and detachment are not. I still went on our planned trip to Lake Louise. I continued to go for wings and a beer on Wednesdays with my friends. I can honestly admit that I have still not considered what I would do if I did get canned (keep the eyes on the prize), but I was well aware of what was at stake. Knowing this, though, I still decided that I would not be the guy who needs to get hit by a car and live or have a near-drowning or whatever in order to appreciate what I have. A career is a pretty big thing to lose, of course, but even just the fact that I would be quite capable of surviving with a few bucks and the goodwill of family and friends until finding another one should be enough to keep me happy.

Most importantly, I decided that failing a test would not be only negative. If the only good from this is that I am learning how to lose a little better, then I will accept that positive. Nobody writes stories about people who are always on top of things, who always get it right the first time, who always make the right decision and live a charmed life. Teams that never lose a game in the regular season, in my experience, don't often win championships. Challenges, including failures, are the stuff through which character is fashioned. I don't want to lose, I don't want to fail, and I don't plan on doing it again on this course, but something must be taken from it if it happens. Maybe I even needed this failure to help me consider what I am doing, to give me the motivation to refocus and get back into it.

I think the quote called the Stockdale Paradox that I first saw on Jay's blog is my new ideal for dealing with losing (or any adversity):

Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties. At the same time, confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.

I failed, and I will be just fine. Retest passed. 21 flights to go.