We all know who The Man is

I know it. You know it. The creepy guy following you around the grocery store eating from his open bag of dog food knows it. Your mom...she knows it too. She knows who The Man is. He is the definition of cool. So cool, that he has to break down his introduction into two distinct statements.

His name is Bond. James Bond.

I mean, really, all "double-oh's" are cool. But do they make movies about 001? Nope, he was just the test model. 005? Nope. Not yet sophisticated enough. 009? Not him either. Political correctness took over and M was forced to hire a gay guy. That's cool and all, but when you won't kill a guy because "he's just too dreamy," it's just not in the same class as 007. Nobody crosses 007. Not even Chuck Norris crosses 007 and lives. That's right, I said it.

Last week, I was sitting in the barber's chair when I was asked, "Do you want to keep the sideburns?" And I thought, "James Bond doesn't have sideburns, so I don't need sideburns." THAT is how cool he is. And that is not even a made-up story. Moral of the story - I will henceforth dedicate my life (or at least a small portion of my free time) to becoming more and more like 007.

So now that we have all agree that Bond is The Man, we will have to break down in what ways I can be more like Him. Spoiler Alert - read no more if you have not seen Casino Royale. And anyway, if you haven't seen it, you are no longer welcome to read my blog.

Part I - The Car

What He Has - James Bond ALWAYS has a cool car. There was a moment in the latest movie when I thought he was going to settle for a "decent" car. But then Q (rest his soul) came through from the afterlife and a wicked radical cool 2006 Aston Martin DBS showed up. Seriously. Look at it. That is a hot car. And you can go back through any Bond film to see his other sweet rides. He doesn't take the stock model, either. Can YOUR car flip upside down, then right itself? Intentionally?

What I Have - 1996 GMC Sonoma. Regular cab. 2.2L. 120hp. A "Syclone" decal on the side, without the Syclone engine. Ok, there is a reason that this is first on my list of ways to be like Bond - because my current situation is so far from the ideal. The only way I can improve the situation anytime soon is by:
a) winning the lottery so I can buy an Aston Martin;
b) winning an Aston Martin; or, less desirable,
c) accessorizing the Sonoma extensively.
I have already begun work on option (c). With the latest in cool, I now have an in-dash CD player, rubber floor mats, a convenient matching canopy, and even high-quality mudflaps behind all four tires to prevent paint chipping. I am torn between Stinger missles behind the headlights or an AED in the glovebox for my next upgrade. I guess it depends on the threat.

Part II - The Poker Skills

What He Has - Patience. Knowledge of the game. Cool under pressure. The ability to read other players. The means to acquire impressive sums of money to play in games of the highest stakes - and from the CIA, no less. Not that the CIA is known for being cheap or only financing worthy causes, but I have never personally been approved for a CIA loan.

What I Have - I have a friend with a sweet set of poker chips that he won in a contest. He has a book on how to play poker, too. Maybe my journey to be like Bond will have to start with a gander at that book. While 007 is calculating what to have in his martini and which broad to take home after winning his hand, I will still be counting how many cards are on the table. 7 cards? But I thought there were only 5? What are these two cards you gave me over here? I just lost HOW MUCH money???




Part III - The Fitness

What He Has - I think the picture says it all. If I said I am jealous, would that make me gay? But really, how does the guy find the time to hit the gym? Whatever he does, it is working. Not because he is super-hot, but because he is able to leap from building to building without breaking his knees, withstand explosions simply by turning his back to them, run forever, and put up with a heavy rope to the...well, you know. That is some disciplined training.

What I Have - I am required, due to my physically rigorous employment, to go to the gym 8 times per month. So that is about how often I go. I don't know if you have been to the gym lately, but you don't really get to look like 007 by hitting the gym twice a week. Maybe if you pump steroids and stay at the gym for 6 hours for those two sessions, but that's about it. In any case, I don't think my body could put up with hanging from cranes and jumping from great heights and swallowing poison. Sometimes I get sore when I have to walk over the snowbanks to get to the gym. Those workouts are pretty much a write-off.

Part IV - The Job Skills

What He Has - There is only one main blanket term for what 007 does for a job, and that is "kills bad guys." But there are so many variations, that each one could have its own category. He can kill bad guys by shooting them. He can kill bad guys by throwing them around in front of himself so their buddies shoot them. He can kill bad guys by shooting the highly explosive high-pressure bottle located conveniently next them in situations when he is desperately outnumbered. He can impale them, dropkick them, electrocute them, drown them, drop them off tall buildings, push them through some variety of large spinning blades, or do the classic neck-snapping with his bare hands. That doesn't even touch on his crazy secret spy skills, explosive skills, acrobatic skills, driving skills, or seduction skills.

What I Have - Nothing. Nothing at all. I am still in training, and I am being taught by a girl even younger than me. And it is taking me this long just to learn to fly a plane. Bond already knows how to fly a plane, and he had the time to learn to do all this killing and spy stuff along the way. I don't think I will ever match him in this category, it's just not in the cards. I can't even juggle. I've tried.

Part V - The Style

What He Has - For a guy whose job demands that he be crawling through dirt and mud, hiding behind doors, and generally being sneaky, he sure does have some snazzy clothes, doesn't he? This guy has no problem fitting in at a summer resort, with his lightweight shirt and slacks, nor at a cocktail party, with his classic dinner jacket and bowtie. As for his drink, he is no slouch there either. I think it is Bond who made the martini moreso than the martini that made Bond. There is just something about a shaken martini that makes shiver inside.

What I Have - The uniform I wear everyday more closely resembles a potato sack than anything "stylish." It is bland green, shapeless, and seeing as it is one piece, quite revealing if I have to reach above my head for anything. My other clothing includes such a fine selection as homemade t-shirts from ski trips in the late 90's, jeans that were cool in grade school, and shoes that aren't even stylish enough to need polish. I didn't get my first suit until I was 24, and for every job interview I can remember I needed to borrow a shirt. And a tie. Pants. Shoes. Belt. Black socks. It's embarrassing, but true. As for a stylish drink, I stick to beer. I don't know if 007 would approve, but at least my current selections are a big step up over the Black Ice that used to fill my fridge.

Part VI - The Women. Hot ones. Everywhere.

What He Has - Like I said - hot women. He is surrounded by them. So much so, that he can easily order her champagne from room service and go off chasing after her evil husband before even taking advantage of her, knowing perfectly well that another woman will be entering in the next scene. I could say "the hot chick from Dr. No" and "the hot chick from Octopussy" and "the hot chick from..." but then I would just have to list off every Bond movie ever made. When you have all those things I talked about before (cars, skills, muscles etc.), you tend to find the women more easily. When you're Bond...it's like flies to honey.

What I Have - Oh man. I almost couldn't fill this part in, it brings me close to tears. If you can imagine whatever the opposite of being surrounded by hot chicks is, that's what I am. In addition to the fact that at least 90% of my coworkers are male, the overwhelming majority of that other 10% don't fill one of the two requirements to be a hot chick (that is, "hot" and "chick"). If I go into the thriving metropolis of Moose Jaw, I find retired farmers, and the odd blue-collar worker. Maybe there is the odd female about, but we're not allowed in the bars so I will certainly never be surrounded by them like 007. (BIG SPOILER) If there is one thing that can give me hope, it is that even Bond found just one woman with whom he hoped to spend the rest of his life.

But then, she screwed him out of millions of dollars and unwittingly lured him into a trap that killed her and nearly killed him, so now he is back to the business of knocking off bad dudes and meeting a new woman everyday. That's more like the Bond I know.