A penny of motivation buys a pound of pain

Sometimes all it takes is the smallest bit of motivation to cause me to regret motivation for several days. On Saturday, I had this motivation, and it was in the form of an exercise program. I have never really had an exercise program before. I have had ones that I have designed myself, and seeing as I studied that kind of crap in university you might think I would be able to create a good program. But the thing about that is, designing one's own program is the best excuse for changing/shortening it mid-workout. "Oh yeah, I know I said I have 2 more exercises, but I don't feel like it. And since I am the designer, what I decide will be what happens." But the program I just started was designed for a friend's brother. And it is crazy.

So on Saturday I went for Day 4 of the program. After the usual slack warm-up on the bike and ineffectual stretching, I got into shoulder exercises. There is very little rest time, and I am already tired after the first 3 exercises.

After that, it was straight on to legs. Now I have just finished 3 sets of squats. Lowering myself down so slowly and taking no rest at the top makes for a very empty-looking bar compared to my usual poorly performed reps, yet I am sweating hard and getting worn out. My legs are trembling slightly. And after that, I have 3 more sets of squats with my feet set wide apart. At the end of each set I can feel my own muscles pulling on me, and my sight becomes ever-so-slightly blurred as I crash the bar back down off of a bent-over back onto its supports.

I feel like I am going to be sick.

On to lunges on the Smith machine, one leg at a time. Now I don't just want to leave the gym, I want to lay down right there and die. As I make a trip to the water fountain after a set, my knee buckles and almost lets me fall. If I had made this same crazy program myself, I would definitely conclude it was foolish at this point and call it off. But I have that little piece of paper telling me I have to do more.

So I load up the leg press with what little weight I can do at this point. After every set, I writhe for a few moments in the agony of the acid overwhelming my legs and the fact that I am destroying my own muscles. My eyes cringe shut and my teeth clench. I think that there are others in the gym, those who are going half-speed, who think I look ridiculous. But I barely even notice anyone around me, preoccupied by shaking legs and Rise Against screaming in my ear.

After a painful finish, I take on the hamstring curl machine. The backs of my legs had been left somewhat unscathed; now, they are taking an equal beating. I finish that and find myself hoping that there is someone on the squat rack so I can't do my next exercise. Despite all odds, it is still free so I move on to deadlifts to further destroy my hamstrings. I put almost no weight on the bar, but find that I can barely stabilize my back. Time to move on before I do some long-term damage.

Now I get to target those same stabilizers. I walk as upright as my legs will allow to the stretching room, pulling out the abs ball to start on crunches. When I can't do any more, I slide off the ball onto my ass, hitting lightly against the wall. I close my eyes for a second. My legs still burn. When I reopen my eyes, I look at my legs and they aren't where I thought they were. My left leg is bent with my knee up close to my head while my right leg is sprawled out and to the side. I can feel them so accutely, but I can't even really tell where they are? I wonder for a moment if that is what it would be like to have them amputated. And I think that's probably not the first thing I should ask someone with no legs.

Now reverse crunches. V-sits. I am certainly not feeling very good. Why am I still doing this? Because that little piece of paper says "V sits. 2 sets. Failure."? Because if I leave it just means I will have to do homework earlier? Why am I really here? What the..? How do I start contemplating life and death laying sprawled out on a gym mat? I think I can get up...yeah, I'm up. Hobbling tentatively toward the locker room. Walking home through the snow drifts is not going to be fun. Thank goodness for little mercies...Tomorrow is a day off.