And when I say Crazies here, folks, I'm specifically referring to the majority of the human race. No, not the Chinese. Females.
My good friend Jeff takes credit as my friend who attracts the most, and the craziest, of the Crazies. Read the blog called "Crazy [Dancing] Girls" back from May and you will have a good general impression. However, I would argue that he merely does not realize in time when he has come in contact with an exceptionally crazy Crazy (resulting in aforementioned funny stories, and no harm to me, so keep it up). I am sure I would meet just as many Crazies if pursued relations with them. My example is thus:
Several months ago, I went to a new financial planner. He managed to completely screw up my taxes and lose me money, but that's not the point here. The point is he had a secretary, who obviously wanted me (obviously all girls want me, so this was just perpetuating that truth). They also happen to work in the same building as I live in. When I was gone for a couple of months, she slipped the following letter under my door, edited only for length and privacy of the author:
Dear Matt,
Holy Bowly...you were right again! (This is my small way of avoiding saying I'm wrong as usual).
Mr. M has every intention of apologizing to you in person. He feels terrible for his continuous oversight on your tax return (blah blah...more stuff about my taxes)
Did I mention that Mr. M feels horrible and YOU WERE RIGHT...would it help if I said that I slid this under your door naked? Didn't think so...I would have slid a bottle of something under the door if it would fit or wouldn't get stolen at the door (those carpet installer bastards having been making such racket all week! And they look like drinkers or dinkers after dipping in the sauce).
I know you are heading back to Portage Sunday sometime, call me during the weekend if you have any burning questions, I should be home Saturday evening @889-xxxx. I would be most happy to answer any questions that you may have regarding this most disconcerting situation...not that I'm the person to ask or anything!!!!
Take care,
N@
And then she even attached her business card to it, in case I wanted to call her at work or email her I guess. Or, more likely, since I didn't know her name. So, not only was it totally unprofessional of her to send me a letter making fun of carpet installers (or, more importantly, to screw up my taxes), she totally offered herself up for a Saturday evening.
And therefore, by actually saying she wanted me (which is always assumed), she joins the ranks of the Crazies. Awesome.
Friday, July 29, 2005
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Style, Utility, and Futility
style Pronunciation (stil)
n.
1. a. A comfortable and elegant mode of existence: living in style.
b. A mode of living: the style of the very rich.
2. a. The fashion of the moment, especially of dress; vogue.
b. A particular fashion
u·til·i·ty Pronunciation (yoo-til-te)
n. pl. u·til·i·ties
1. The quality or condition of being useful; usefulness.
2. A useful article or device.
fu·til·i·ty Pronunciation (fyoo-til-te)
n. pl. fu·til·i·ties
1. The quality of having no useful result; uselessness.
2. Lack of importance or purpose; frivolousness.
The main question here is - Do I have style? This will be explored through two main examples - two items, in fact - on which large (by my standard) quantities of money were spent last week.
Exhibit A.
This is the first item we will be bidding on...er...um...talking about. Not the ruggedly handsome man in the picture, but the suit. See, I didn't have a suit until last week. A 24-year old man, supposedly responsible and respectable and all that, and I didn't even own one suit. So I got this one.
Now I'm no expert, but I would say this is a decently stylish suit. It's no Ralph Lauren, but it certainly gets the job done so that I can fit in to all but the most formal occasions.
That being said, it will be of minimum use overall. I certainly won't wear it to work, I have a uniform. So it will likely get worn only once or twice per year. Even if I wear the same suit 5 times a year for 5 years, that is still a cost of well over $20 per occasion. That's probably almost as much as the dinner I will probably be at. So, in conclusion, good style, poor utility.
Now, for exhibit B.
That is one UGLY-ass canopy.
So I have a small truck. It's pretty good to me, and it is in good shape. But throw a canopy like that on the back, and the style figure hits...hold on...let me calculate....zero. It has a metal roof rack, sliding side windows that don't slide, and the back window seal is falling off. As someone told me so elequently, they expected an 80-year old man to walk out.
But you know what? I don't care. Not even one bit. I was sick and tired of my crap getting wet or covered in snow, and now it won't. So if you don't think it's stylish...I agree. But if you don't think it has maximum utility (with small cost), then you're crazy. And if you wouldn't drive around in something like that...ok, that's fine. I guess that style is more important to you than me. But I'm all about the utility. If I had to return one of these two purchases, it would be the suit.
So now I guess you know more about me. And you've seen my stylish suit and utile canopy. Comment away.
n.
1. a. A comfortable and elegant mode of existence: living in style.
b. A mode of living: the style of the very rich.
2. a. The fashion of the moment, especially of dress; vogue.
b. A particular fashion
u·til·i·ty Pronunciation (yoo-til-te)
n. pl. u·til·i·ties
1. The quality or condition of being useful; usefulness.
2. A useful article or device.
fu·til·i·ty Pronunciation (fyoo-til-te)
n. pl. fu·til·i·ties
1. The quality of having no useful result; uselessness.
2. Lack of importance or purpose; frivolousness.
The main question here is - Do I have style? This will be explored through two main examples - two items, in fact - on which large (by my standard) quantities of money were spent last week.
Exhibit A.
This is the first item we will be bidding on...er...um...talking about. Not the ruggedly handsome man in the picture, but the suit. See, I didn't have a suit until last week. A 24-year old man, supposedly responsible and respectable and all that, and I didn't even own one suit. So I got this one.Now I'm no expert, but I would say this is a decently stylish suit. It's no Ralph Lauren, but it certainly gets the job done so that I can fit in to all but the most formal occasions.
That being said, it will be of minimum use overall. I certainly won't wear it to work, I have a uniform. So it will likely get worn only once or twice per year. Even if I wear the same suit 5 times a year for 5 years, that is still a cost of well over $20 per occasion. That's probably almost as much as the dinner I will probably be at. So, in conclusion, good style, poor utility.
Now, for exhibit B.
That is one UGLY-ass canopy.
So I have a small truck. It's pretty good to me, and it is in good shape. But throw a canopy like that on the back, and the style figure hits...hold on...let me calculate....zero. It has a metal roof rack, sliding side windows that don't slide, and the back window seal is falling off. As someone told me so elequently, they expected an 80-year old man to walk out.
But you know what? I don't care. Not even one bit. I was sick and tired of my crap getting wet or covered in snow, and now it won't. So if you don't think it's stylish...I agree. But if you don't think it has maximum utility (with small cost), then you're crazy. And if you wouldn't drive around in something like that...ok, that's fine. I guess that style is more important to you than me. But I'm all about the utility. If I had to return one of these two purchases, it would be the suit.
So now I guess you know more about me. And you've seen my stylish suit and utile canopy. Comment away.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Strangers in the attic
From Tuesday's Globe and Mail:
Graham visit to Arctic island causes icy spat with Denmark
By BRIAN LAGHI
Ottawa — Nobody lives there. It's tiny and frigid, and experts can't even agree on how it got its name.
But Hans Island, a barren knoll in the high Arctic, is now the centre of a full-fledged diplomatic tiff after Defence Minister Bill Graham quietly set foot there last week to the chagrin of the government of Denmark.
Danish officials in Copenhagen issued an official note of protest to Canada's ambassador yesterday after learning of Mr. Graham's decision to plunk down on the island and harden Canada's claim over it.
"We maintain the position that according to the normal principles of international law, that this is Danish territory," said Poal Erik Dam Kristensen about the island, located in the high north between Ellesmere Island and Greenland, which is part of Denmark.
"We would like to maintain what was the modus vivendi, that if one of the parties visited the island, the party notifies the other party beforehand."
Mr. Graham took a helicopter onto the island last Wednesday, a week or so after members of Canada's military planted a Canadian flag there and erected an Inuit-style stone marker known as an inukshuk. Danish officials have also in the past landed on the island, erecting their own stone cairns.
The offshore boundary between the two nations was drawn in 1973, but excluded the island, which lies in the middle of a channel about five kilometres wide.
Mr. Graham's visit was an effort to assert claims of ownership over the island in the wake of a new policy designed to increase Canadian activity in the Arctic to protect sovereignty.
I have just one thing to say about that: It's about damn time.
Canada was basically getting its claims in the Arctic stomped on for a long time, and nobody even seemed to know, nevermind care. Did YOU know that there were Danish soldiers, uninvited, on what Canada claims as its own land? I do believe that could be called called an invasion. Sure, they aren't hurting anyone and nobody wants to live there anyway. But if you had someone move into the corner of your garage and set up shop, you wouldn't be very happy either. This is especially true if it was your ally and supposed friend (Denmark is a member of NATO), and carried guns.
Now, Denmark figures it is theirs just as much as Canada figures it's ours. But that doesn't mean you give it away, or stand idly by while they slowly increase their military presence.
So I say, good job Canada. I am proud that we have made our stand. I am sure there will be more to come on this.
For a far more informative and detailed discussion on this topic, read here.
So much for not making this a place for political discussion.
Graham visit to Arctic island causes icy spat with Denmark
By BRIAN LAGHI
Ottawa — Nobody lives there. It's tiny and frigid, and experts can't even agree on how it got its name.
But Hans Island, a barren knoll in the high Arctic, is now the centre of a full-fledged diplomatic tiff after Defence Minister Bill Graham quietly set foot there last week to the chagrin of the government of Denmark.
Danish officials in Copenhagen issued an official note of protest to Canada's ambassador yesterday after learning of Mr. Graham's decision to plunk down on the island and harden Canada's claim over it.
"We maintain the position that according to the normal principles of international law, that this is Danish territory," said Poal Erik Dam Kristensen about the island, located in the high north between Ellesmere Island and Greenland, which is part of Denmark.
"We would like to maintain what was the modus vivendi, that if one of the parties visited the island, the party notifies the other party beforehand."
Mr. Graham took a helicopter onto the island last Wednesday, a week or so after members of Canada's military planted a Canadian flag there and erected an Inuit-style stone marker known as an inukshuk. Danish officials have also in the past landed on the island, erecting their own stone cairns.
The offshore boundary between the two nations was drawn in 1973, but excluded the island, which lies in the middle of a channel about five kilometres wide.
Mr. Graham's visit was an effort to assert claims of ownership over the island in the wake of a new policy designed to increase Canadian activity in the Arctic to protect sovereignty.
I have just one thing to say about that: It's about damn time.
Canada was basically getting its claims in the Arctic stomped on for a long time, and nobody even seemed to know, nevermind care. Did YOU know that there were Danish soldiers, uninvited, on what Canada claims as its own land? I do believe that could be called called an invasion. Sure, they aren't hurting anyone and nobody wants to live there anyway. But if you had someone move into the corner of your garage and set up shop, you wouldn't be very happy either. This is especially true if it was your ally and supposed friend (Denmark is a member of NATO), and carried guns.
Now, Denmark figures it is theirs just as much as Canada figures it's ours. But that doesn't mean you give it away, or stand idly by while they slowly increase their military presence.
So I say, good job Canada. I am proud that we have made our stand. I am sure there will be more to come on this.
For a far more informative and detailed discussion on this topic, read here.
So much for not making this a place for political discussion.
Monday, July 25, 2005
A lone man on a journey
Sunday:
7:03am - Wake up. This is the earliest I have awakened in 3 weeks. Decide I should record what I do today so I can figure out how much fun can truly be packed into a 13+ hour drive. I'm going to Winnipeg...weeeeeeee. I will record my diary in voice memo.
8:30 - On the road. Had an mp3 CD made for me with 140 songs. Should be interesting to see what's on it.
Now Playing: Dashboard Confessional
8:32 - At the Post Office to get my leave pass stamped. It's closed. Should have done that in the past 3 weeks.
8:46 - On the road. It appears the new addition to my truck has caused my fuel efficiency to suck.
Now Playing: AC/DC
9:44 - Getting...very...tired. Fuel efficiency still sucks.
Now Playing: Britney Spears
10:07 - Can't find my wine gums. Seriously, this thing is only like 50 cubic feet.
Now Playing: Captain Tractor
10:56 - I'm in Saskatchewan. Saskatchewan roads suck.
Now Playing: Dropkick Murphys
11:45 - This is an interesting CD.
Now Playing: Scotty Doesn't Know...from the Eurotrip Soundtrack
12:20 - North Battleford. Stop for gas and food. Fuel economy not so bad (7.72L/100km). Found my wine gums and got some stale Pringles. A good stop overall.
Now Playing: Greenday
1:21pm - I was bored, so for the last 40km, I read a book. Decided that probably wasn't very safe.
Now Playing: Kenny Rogers
1:49pm - Just stopped in Saskatoon for a sandwich. You know, wouldn't want to take it on the road, because that would be unsafe.
Now Playing: Meatloaf
2:40pm - About half done my trip at this point, and my mp3 CD appears to be crapping out.
Now Playing: Tragically Hip
3:25pm - A stop sign on the highway? Can't they afford a few dollars of asphalt to make a curve and put up a merge sign?
Now Playing: Dropkick Murphys
3:55pm - You know what's good? 4-lane highways.
Now Playing: My Chemical Romance
4:14pm - I'm finally in driving mode. Not tired. Not interested in the scenery or traffic except to avoid it. Just driving.
Now Playing: Gwen Stefani
5:18pm - Leaving Yorkton. Just had dinner. Noticed at the Mr. Sub that the lettuce they served was expired - it said on the package. But the bathroom air freshener smelled like Pez Candy, so it balances out, right?
Now Playing: My Chemical Romance
6:06pm - Still have 4 hours to go. My ass is sore, and my sunglasses don't fit very well.
Now Playing: Neil Diamond
6:24pm - Filling up in Russell, MB. Still somehow getting crazy fuel economy...crazy awesome, that is. (7.56L/100km)
Now Playing - Tragically Hip
7:41pm - 200km to Winnipeg. Right on schedule. Brain turned off.
Now Playing - Johnny Cash
8:24pm - My mom just called my cell phone. She thought I would be there by now. Apparently she drives faster than me. Now Playing: Rise Against
9:15pm - I am hitting so many bugs, it sounds like rain on my windshield. It is making it increasingly difficult to see.
Now playing: the radio - The Police
9:45pm - After a sandwich, a sub, a pack of wine gums, 3 bottles of water, a box of Pringles, and 1360km I have arrived safely in Winnipeg. The bugs seemed a lot worse in the city with all the lights glaring off of them. Had to run into the building to relieve myself. Now I am 2000km overdue for an oil change. Too tired to care. To bed.
Now Playing: zzzz...
7:03am - Wake up. This is the earliest I have awakened in 3 weeks. Decide I should record what I do today so I can figure out how much fun can truly be packed into a 13+ hour drive. I'm going to Winnipeg...weeeeeeee. I will record my diary in voice memo.
8:30 - On the road. Had an mp3 CD made for me with 140 songs. Should be interesting to see what's on it.
Now Playing: Dashboard Confessional
8:32 - At the Post Office to get my leave pass stamped. It's closed. Should have done that in the past 3 weeks.
8:46 - On the road. It appears the new addition to my truck has caused my fuel efficiency to suck.Now Playing: AC/DC
9:44 - Getting...very...tired. Fuel efficiency still sucks.
Now Playing: Britney Spears
10:07 - Can't find my wine gums. Seriously, this thing is only like 50 cubic feet.
Now Playing: Captain Tractor
10:56 - I'm in Saskatchewan. Saskatchewan roads suck.
Now Playing: Dropkick Murphys
11:45 - This is an interesting CD.
Now Playing: Scotty Doesn't Know...from the Eurotrip Soundtrack
12:20 - North Battleford. Stop for gas and food. Fuel economy not so bad (7.72L/100km). Found my wine gums and got some stale Pringles. A good stop overall.
Now Playing: Greenday
1:21pm - I was bored, so for the last 40km, I read a book. Decided that probably wasn't very safe.Now Playing: Kenny Rogers
1:49pm - Just stopped in Saskatoon for a sandwich. You know, wouldn't want to take it on the road, because that would be unsafe.
Now Playing: Meatloaf
2:40pm - About half done my trip at this point, and my mp3 CD appears to be crapping out.Now Playing: Tragically Hip
3:25pm - A stop sign on the highway? Can't they afford a few dollars of asphalt to make a curve and put up a merge sign?
Now Playing: Dropkick Murphys
3:55pm - You know what's good? 4-lane highways.
Now Playing: My Chemical Romance
4:14pm - I'm finally in driving mode. Not tired. Not interested in the scenery or traffic except to avoid it. Just driving.Now Playing: Gwen Stefani
5:18pm - Leaving Yorkton. Just had dinner. Noticed at the Mr. Sub that the lettuce they served was expired - it said on the package. But the bathroom air freshener smelled like Pez Candy, so it balances out, right?
Now Playing: My Chemical Romance
6:06pm - Still have 4 hours to go. My ass is sore, and my sunglasses don't fit very well.Now Playing: Neil Diamond
6:24pm - Filling up in Russell, MB. Still somehow getting crazy fuel economy...crazy awesome, that is. (7.56L/100km)
Now Playing - Tragically Hip
7:41pm - 200km to Winnipeg. Right on schedule. Brain turned off.
Now Playing - Johnny Cash
8:24pm - My mom just called my cell phone. She thought I would be there by now. Apparently she drives faster than me. Now Playing: Rise Against9:15pm - I am hitting so many bugs, it sounds like rain on my windshield. It is making it increasingly difficult to see.
Now playing: the radio - The Police
9:45pm - After a sandwich, a sub, a pack of wine gums, 3 bottles of water, a box of Pringles, and 1360km I have arrived safely in Winnipeg. The bugs seemed a lot worse in the city with all the lights glaring off of them. Had to run into the building to relieve myself. Now I am 2000km overdue for an oil change. Too tired to care. To bed.
Now Playing: zzzz...
Sunday, July 24, 2005
I (heart) Winnipeg
Here I am, back in Winnipeg. You will be happy to know I am safe, and that I started visibly sweating the second that I walked into my horrible room. How was my journey, you ask? I will fill you in tomorrow.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
The Best Medicine
My friends and I...we think we're pretty funny. Other people, not privy to our countless inside jokes...they probably just think we're crazy. Which, from their point of view, seems to be a fair assessment. There are so many inside jokes, which are used again and again usually in a context totally unrelated to the present situation, that it is almost like we have our own language. From Jeff's big head to Kyle's sparks, and there are many more. Today's post will be dedicated to a short explanation of some jokes directed toward myself...jokes that seem to never die.
3. Penis Cat - Penis Cat is a stuffed toy decoration. It was given to my family by someone who is very obviously a prude, because everyone else in the world thinks the thing looks like male genitalia. Seriously, it is slightly peach-coloured, with its rear legs curled up on the side of its body and its long torso hanging down between them. So the mocking started sometime in grade school. One day I spazzed on it and threw it into a deep dark corner of the furnace room where it could never be found. I later discovered that my mom found it and got rid of it. Fast forward many years later, to the year after I have finished university. I have gone on a trip to Australia and some other places, and upon my return I receive a "welcome home" gift from my two good roommates and friends. They found it at Value Village for a couple of dollars....NO! PENIS CAT HAS RETURNED!
2. Girl Throw - I have always been a decently athletic sort of guy. I have played all variety of sports in my life, from soccer and badminton to rugby and hockey. But apparently I never played enough throwing sports. This joke originated one winter day outside of Joff's old house when we were comparing our athletic prowess by heaving snowballs against the side of a mailbox. Well, APPARENTLY, Matt throws like a girl. Of course, this has been hyperbolized and expanded many times since to original occurrence to include such descriptions as me throwing with same foot forward and not even being able to hit the mailbox (a solid 10m away). But yes, this originated in high school...and despite the fact that they have not seen evidence of a "girly throw" since that one fateful day, the joke remains.
1. AT ALL - Ouch. This one can sting. Throw those two words on the end of any sentence directed at me and they are like a slap to the face. Or daggers through my groin. Or like 100 midgets tying me down and tickling me to death. Anyway, this was a joke which I actually had to relate to my friends. I liked a girl who was in a couple of university classes with me. For the sake of anonymity, we will call her Jen Samis from St Albert. So I hung out with her a bit, went to dinner a couple times, watched some movies, etc. On St Patrick's Day a few years back, there was a Phys Ed party at the Iron Horse, so we both went. She brought along her friend, and her friend and I started talking. Well, before she called me a killer of cute, innocent, Afghani babies, she told me how Jen felt about me. The exchange was something like this:
Her: "You like Jen, don't you?"
I: "Yeah, I do."
Her: "She thinks you're a good guy...but she's just not attracted to you...AT ALL."
Owwwwww! That hurts. As if saying "but" in there didn't get the message across clearly enough, she had to go on and explain that I wasn't attractive. And never mind not being a little attracted but not being interested...she wasn't attracted AT ALL. Now is that really necessary? Ouch. Ouch. So anyway, anytime one of my friends directs a comment toward me and adds AT ALL on the end, and I flinch...now you know why.
So there you have the top three long-running jokes directed at yours truly. But hey, I'm sure there are many more jokes that will never die. Hopefully there are more to come, too. We think we're funny...don't you?
3. Penis Cat - Penis Cat is a stuffed toy decoration. It was given to my family by someone who is very obviously a prude, because everyone else in the world thinks the thing looks like male genitalia. Seriously, it is slightly peach-coloured, with its rear legs curled up on the side of its body and its long torso hanging down between them. So the mocking started sometime in grade school. One day I spazzed on it and threw it into a deep dark corner of the furnace room where it could never be found. I later discovered that my mom found it and got rid of it. Fast forward many years later, to the year after I have finished university. I have gone on a trip to Australia and some other places, and upon my return I receive a "welcome home" gift from my two good roommates and friends. They found it at Value Village for a couple of dollars....NO! PENIS CAT HAS RETURNED!2. Girl Throw - I have always been a decently athletic sort of guy. I have played all variety of sports in my life, from soccer and badminton to rugby and hockey. But apparently I never played enough throwing sports. This joke originated one winter day outside of Joff's old house when we were comparing our athletic prowess by heaving snowballs against the side of a mailbox. Well, APPARENTLY, Matt throws like a girl. Of course, this has been hyperbolized and expanded many times since to original occurrence to include such descriptions as me throwing with same foot forward and not even being able to hit the mailbox (a solid 10m away). But yes, this originated in high school...and despite the fact that they have not seen evidence of a "girly throw" since that one fateful day, the joke remains.
1. AT ALL - Ouch. This one can sting. Throw those two words on the end of any sentence directed at me and they are like a slap to the face. Or daggers through my groin. Or like 100 midgets tying me down and tickling me to death. Anyway, this was a joke which I actually had to relate to my friends. I liked a girl who was in a couple of university classes with me. For the sake of anonymity, we will call her Jen Samis from St Albert. So I hung out with her a bit, went to dinner a couple times, watched some movies, etc. On St Patrick's Day a few years back, there was a Phys Ed party at the Iron Horse, so we both went. She brought along her friend, and her friend and I started talking. Well, before she called me a killer of cute, innocent, Afghani babies, she told me how Jen felt about me. The exchange was something like this:
Her: "You like Jen, don't you?"
I: "Yeah, I do."
Her: "She thinks you're a good guy...but she's just not attracted to you...AT ALL."
Owwwwww! That hurts. As if saying "but" in there didn't get the message across clearly enough, she had to go on and explain that I wasn't attractive. And never mind not being a little attracted but not being interested...she wasn't attracted AT ALL. Now is that really necessary? Ouch. Ouch. So anyway, anytime one of my friends directs a comment toward me and adds AT ALL on the end, and I flinch...now you know why.
So there you have the top three long-running jokes directed at yours truly. But hey, I'm sure there are many more jokes that will never die. Hopefully there are more to come, too. We think we're funny...don't you?
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
The Southport Healthy Lifestyle Change
Part of The World's Problems Solved - Edition 1, Volume II
Here it is folks - in layman's terms and completely free of charge - the one and only Southport Healthy Lifestyle Change. This way of life and eating was conceived by a number of health-conscious individuals in Southport, MB, who found ourselves getting fat off the food we were being fed. If it has basis in nutritional fact, well...that's good. But if it doesn't, it sure seems to work at keeping people healthy and full of energy. I will try not to explain our vague scientific principles, because all that really matters is whether or not it works for you.
Now some of you pessismists out there may think that "lifestyle change" is just a euphamism for "diet." I'm pleased to tell you that this is not the case. This is a lifestyle change because the point at which you must begin is before you even go to the grocery store to buy your food. The first thing it entails is REDUCING TEMPTATION. This is accomplished through a few simple measures on your part - going shopping immediately after a meal is possibly the most important factor here. If you don't have donuts in your house, you can't have a donut for a snack. Do not store food like chips or crackers that you will use to entertain guests. If you should ever feel you need this food for your guests, get it only at that time and only enough for the occassion. Get used to having vegetables for a snack rather than cookies.
The next Southport cornerstone is KNOWING WHAT YOU ARE EATING. This starts in the grocery store. You must look at the label and ingredients on EVERYTHING you buy. Once you know what you're putting in your body, you're a lot less likely to put in crap. You should also get a general knowledge of nutrition (eg. carbs & protein = 4 cal/g, fat = 9 cal/g, alcohol = 7cal/g). Find a respectable site on the internet and it should be able to tell you everything you need to know. Now for some general guidelines as to what you should be reading on those labels and picking up at the grocer's (this is where I may lose some of you):
1) no white flour or enriched flour (should be whole wheat - this includes pasta)
2) high fibre in carbohydrate-rich foods such as breads and cereals
3) very little sugar (this is difficult because manufacturers put sugar in to make it taste good when they make it "low fat")
4) no cookies or cakes or the like to minimize "empty calories" (food that has calories but little in terms of vitamins, minerals, protein or fibre. This includes crap like rice cakes)
5) lots of vegetables and some fruit (reduce potatoes in all forms - baked or as fries or hash browns)
6) plan for some good source of protein for each meal
The most important aspect of Southport is this - MAKING ONE HEALTHY CHOICE AT A TIME. You can turn down free breadsticks at the restaurant. You don't have to have that extra piece of pizza when you are already full. You don't need to drink soda when you're thirsty - have water. You can order house salad with viniagrette dressing on the side instead of fries. You don't need to force yourself to finish every bite - put it in the fridge as a side for tomorrow's meal. Control the amount of alcohol you drink.
A last point is that nothing is expressly forbidden. You can have a piece of birthday cake, for example, as long as you are reasonable and don't have 3 pieces every week. Again, this fits into making one healthy choice at a time.
I guess a sample menu is in order here. You can note that I get the majority of different nutrients at different meals, eg. breakfast lots of fibre and other carbs, dinner lots of protein, but suit yourself in that respect. So this is what I have to eat in a typical day:
Breakfast:
Bowl of Shreddies mixed with All Bran, with skim milk
Two pieces of whole wheat toast with peanut butter and low-sugar jam
1/2 cup of fruit yogurt (watch sugar content)
Glass of milk
Piece of fruit
Mid-morning snack:
Cup of carrots
Water
Lunch:
Whole wheat wrap filled with turkey breast, green peppers, mushrooms, onions, tomatos, lettuce, cheese, and a bit of sauce.
1/2 cup of cottage cheese
Water
Pre-workout snack:
Granola bar (watch for high fibre and low sugar, with fruit and not chocolate) or Bran Crunch crackers
Water
Dinner:
Protein source(whether it be a fillet of fish or a chicken breast or a meat alternative such as veggie ground round) with lots of vegetables and a salad
Water
And there you have it. Hopefully this is of some use to you - or at least I hope it doesn't kill you if you try it. Ask questions or start the mocking...and GO.
Here it is folks - in layman's terms and completely free of charge - the one and only Southport Healthy Lifestyle Change. This way of life and eating was conceived by a number of health-conscious individuals in Southport, MB, who found ourselves getting fat off the food we were being fed. If it has basis in nutritional fact, well...that's good. But if it doesn't, it sure seems to work at keeping people healthy and full of energy. I will try not to explain our vague scientific principles, because all that really matters is whether or not it works for you.
Now some of you pessismists out there may think that "lifestyle change" is just a euphamism for "diet." I'm pleased to tell you that this is not the case. This is a lifestyle change because the point at which you must begin is before you even go to the grocery store to buy your food. The first thing it entails is REDUCING TEMPTATION. This is accomplished through a few simple measures on your part - going shopping immediately after a meal is possibly the most important factor here. If you don't have donuts in your house, you can't have a donut for a snack. Do not store food like chips or crackers that you will use to entertain guests. If you should ever feel you need this food for your guests, get it only at that time and only enough for the occassion. Get used to having vegetables for a snack rather than cookies.
The next Southport cornerstone is KNOWING WHAT YOU ARE EATING. This starts in the grocery store. You must look at the label and ingredients on EVERYTHING you buy. Once you know what you're putting in your body, you're a lot less likely to put in crap. You should also get a general knowledge of nutrition (eg. carbs & protein = 4 cal/g, fat = 9 cal/g, alcohol = 7cal/g). Find a respectable site on the internet and it should be able to tell you everything you need to know. Now for some general guidelines as to what you should be reading on those labels and picking up at the grocer's (this is where I may lose some of you):
1) no white flour or enriched flour (should be whole wheat - this includes pasta)
2) high fibre in carbohydrate-rich foods such as breads and cereals
3) very little sugar (this is difficult because manufacturers put sugar in to make it taste good when they make it "low fat")
4) no cookies or cakes or the like to minimize "empty calories" (food that has calories but little in terms of vitamins, minerals, protein or fibre. This includes crap like rice cakes)
5) lots of vegetables and some fruit (reduce potatoes in all forms - baked or as fries or hash browns)
6) plan for some good source of protein for each meal
The most important aspect of Southport is this - MAKING ONE HEALTHY CHOICE AT A TIME. You can turn down free breadsticks at the restaurant. You don't have to have that extra piece of pizza when you are already full. You don't need to drink soda when you're thirsty - have water. You can order house salad with viniagrette dressing on the side instead of fries. You don't need to force yourself to finish every bite - put it in the fridge as a side for tomorrow's meal. Control the amount of alcohol you drink.
A last point is that nothing is expressly forbidden. You can have a piece of birthday cake, for example, as long as you are reasonable and don't have 3 pieces every week. Again, this fits into making one healthy choice at a time.
I guess a sample menu is in order here. You can note that I get the majority of different nutrients at different meals, eg. breakfast lots of fibre and other carbs, dinner lots of protein, but suit yourself in that respect. So this is what I have to eat in a typical day:
Breakfast:
Bowl of Shreddies mixed with All Bran, with skim milk
Two pieces of whole wheat toast with peanut butter and low-sugar jam
1/2 cup of fruit yogurt (watch sugar content)
Glass of milk
Piece of fruit
Mid-morning snack:
Cup of carrots
Water
Lunch:
Whole wheat wrap filled with turkey breast, green peppers, mushrooms, onions, tomatos, lettuce, cheese, and a bit of sauce.
1/2 cup of cottage cheese
Water
Pre-workout snack:
Granola bar (watch for high fibre and low sugar, with fruit and not chocolate) or Bran Crunch crackers
Water
Dinner:
Protein source(whether it be a fillet of fish or a chicken breast or a meat alternative such as veggie ground round) with lots of vegetables and a salad
Water
And there you have it. Hopefully this is of some use to you - or at least I hope it doesn't kill you if you try it. Ask questions or start the mocking...and GO.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
The World's Problems Solved! (or: Matt's Obvious Observations)
Edition 1, Volume 1
Today...I think I will solve a pressing world issue. I know I'm on vacation and all, but the world needs me. So here I am, world.
The issue of the day - OBESITY. Seriously, this is a major problem. It increases one's probablity of getting certain types of cancer, diabetes, irregular heart rythms, muscle and joint pain, and leaves local lawmakers feeling like chumps after allowing people to be topless in public. The average weight gain for an american adult is 1.5-2 pounds per year. So even if you're a healthy, strapping lad of 25 years...watch out. That means the average person will gain...uh...um...I've been out of school for a while...a lot of pounds. And don't forget about that freshman 15 you gained because you took up beer drinking and bar food to replace the cross-country team and basketball. 15 pounds of fat means one has consumed 52 500 kcal more than one needs...this is not like an extra rice cake per year we're talking about.
Now, for the solution to the problem. Drumroll, please....STOP EATING LIKE CRAP! Seriously, this is the solution. That's all people have to do. It all became clear in an epiphany-like moment this weekend when a formerly skinny, now not-so-skinny girl, came up to my formerly fat, now not-so-fat friend, and told him how good he looked. I know how this guy eats, because I work with him and practically live with him too. So I know why he lost weight. Which makes it all too obvious why she gained it. So, world, if you want to cut down on healthcare costs and prevent dinosaur-like extinctions due to lack of food in the world, HEED MY WORDS....STOP EATING LIKE CRAP.
"Well thanks, jackass, for your stirring and in-depth insight into a major world health epidemic. But what do I do about it?" Do not fear, ladies and gentlemen. Ah, who am I kidding...no girls read this. So do not fear, gentlemen. In the next edition...more specifics. That's right, folks...the one and only Southport Healthy Lifestyle Change, explained for your use.
Today...I think I will solve a pressing world issue. I know I'm on vacation and all, but the world needs me. So here I am, world.
The issue of the day - OBESITY. Seriously, this is a major problem. It increases one's probablity of getting certain types of cancer, diabetes, irregular heart rythms, muscle and joint pain, and leaves local lawmakers feeling like chumps after allowing people to be topless in public. The average weight gain for an american adult is 1.5-2 pounds per year. So even if you're a healthy, strapping lad of 25 years...watch out. That means the average person will gain...uh...um...I've been out of school for a while...a lot of pounds. And don't forget about that freshman 15 you gained because you took up beer drinking and bar food to replace the cross-country team and basketball. 15 pounds of fat means one has consumed 52 500 kcal more than one needs...this is not like an extra rice cake per year we're talking about.
Now, for the solution to the problem. Drumroll, please....STOP EATING LIKE CRAP! Seriously, this is the solution. That's all people have to do. It all became clear in an epiphany-like moment this weekend when a formerly skinny, now not-so-skinny girl, came up to my formerly fat, now not-so-fat friend, and told him how good he looked. I know how this guy eats, because I work with him and practically live with him too. So I know why he lost weight. Which makes it all too obvious why she gained it. So, world, if you want to cut down on healthcare costs and prevent dinosaur-like extinctions due to lack of food in the world, HEED MY WORDS....STOP EATING LIKE CRAP.
"Well thanks, jackass, for your stirring and in-depth insight into a major world health epidemic. But what do I do about it?" Do not fear, ladies and gentlemen. Ah, who am I kidding...no girls read this. So do not fear, gentlemen. In the next edition...more specifics. That's right, folks...the one and only Southport Healthy Lifestyle Change, explained for your use.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
The greatest outdoor show on Earth
That's right folks, this weekend began the one, the only, the annual Calgary Stampede. And for the first time ever, I was there.
So what is the Stampede about? Is it about bronc busting and cattle wrangling and chuckwagon racing? Well, if it is, that sure isn't the impression I got. I didn't see a single bovine being or equestrian occurance during the two days I was in the city. What I did see a lot of was: a) cowboy hats; b) belt buckles; and c) parties.
Only during stampede time in Cowtown can they have $15-20 cover charge at the bar, with another $15 to get from inside the bar to on the patio, and still have lineups from before opening at 11am until close at 3am. This is not to mention the $7 drinks, of course, and the $20 to the bouncer if you want to wait less than 3 hours in the line.
There were also a good number of live shows going on. I saw Five Star Affair, a crazy ska-reggae band that includes a trumpet and a didgeridoo. They will be playing again next week on a side stage at Warped Tour, so you should check them out if you are going to be there.
So now that you have the events of the weekend, here are the lessons:
1) Girls look hot in cowboy hats
2) Drinking from 7pm-3am hurts the next day
3) Tequila is the devil's concoction
4) Even when desparately hungry, bar food sucks
5) I think they're called "upside down shooters" for the fact that they might as well turn you upside down and shake all the money from your pockets ("$12? Seriously? Like, 1-2?")
6) Almost any city is better than Winnipeg, but Calgary has awesome music, tons of beautiful girls, and....wait, I think that's all you need for a successful city.
I hope your weekend was equally spectacular.
So what is the Stampede about? Is it about bronc busting and cattle wrangling and chuckwagon racing? Well, if it is, that sure isn't the impression I got. I didn't see a single bovine being or equestrian occurance during the two days I was in the city. What I did see a lot of was: a) cowboy hats; b) belt buckles; and c) parties.
Only during stampede time in Cowtown can they have $15-20 cover charge at the bar, with another $15 to get from inside the bar to on the patio, and still have lineups from before opening at 11am until close at 3am. This is not to mention the $7 drinks, of course, and the $20 to the bouncer if you want to wait less than 3 hours in the line.
There were also a good number of live shows going on. I saw Five Star Affair, a crazy ska-reggae band that includes a trumpet and a didgeridoo. They will be playing again next week on a side stage at Warped Tour, so you should check them out if you are going to be there.
So now that you have the events of the weekend, here are the lessons:
1) Girls look hot in cowboy hats
2) Drinking from 7pm-3am hurts the next day
3) Tequila is the devil's concoction
4) Even when desparately hungry, bar food sucks
5) I think they're called "upside down shooters" for the fact that they might as well turn you upside down and shake all the money from your pockets ("$12? Seriously? Like, 1-2?")
6) Almost any city is better than Winnipeg, but Calgary has awesome music, tons of beautiful girls, and....wait, I think that's all you need for a successful city.
I hope your weekend was equally spectacular.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
What I ask of life
I have an awesome job. I love it. I never want to give it up. I would like to be the big boss one day.
I used to think that the perfect girl would be one who would give up what she had and follow me around when my job moves me. I have thought this way for years. I even had a girl who would do that.
Yesterday, my thoughts changed.
I think the perfect girl will be one that will make ME want to give up what I do for her. Or rather, a girl that would be worth giving up what I do.
Life's funny like that. From wanting to be defined by a job, to wanting to be defined by another person. I hope I get this perfect girl, in my new image of her.
But hey...maybe tomorrow that will change.
I used to think that the perfect girl would be one who would give up what she had and follow me around when my job moves me. I have thought this way for years. I even had a girl who would do that.
Yesterday, my thoughts changed.
I think the perfect girl will be one that will make ME want to give up what I do for her. Or rather, a girl that would be worth giving up what I do.
Life's funny like that. From wanting to be defined by a job, to wanting to be defined by another person. I hope I get this perfect girl, in my new image of her.
But hey...maybe tomorrow that will change.
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