The Best Medicine

My friends and I...we think we're pretty funny. Other people, not privy to our countless inside jokes...they probably just think we're crazy. Which, from their point of view, seems to be a fair assessment. There are so many inside jokes, which are used again and again usually in a context totally unrelated to the present situation, that it is almost like we have our own language. From Jeff's big head to Kyle's sparks, and there are many more. Today's post will be dedicated to a short explanation of some jokes directed toward myself...jokes that seem to never die.


3. Penis Cat - Penis Cat is a stuffed toy decoration. It was given to my family by someone who is very obviously a prude, because everyone else in the world thinks the thing looks like male genitalia. Seriously, it is slightly peach-coloured, with its rear legs curled up on the side of its body and its long torso hanging down between them. So the mocking started sometime in grade school. One day I spazzed on it and threw it into a deep dark corner of the furnace room where it could never be found. I later discovered that my mom found it and got rid of it. Fast forward many years later, to the year after I have finished university. I have gone on a trip to Australia and some other places, and upon my return I receive a "welcome home" gift from my two good roommates and friends. They found it at Value Village for a couple of dollars....NO! PENIS CAT HAS RETURNED!


2. Girl Throw - I have always been a decently athletic sort of guy. I have played all variety of sports in my life, from soccer and badminton to rugby and hockey. But apparently I never played enough throwing sports. This joke originated one winter day outside of Joff's old house when we were comparing our athletic prowess by heaving snowballs against the side of a mailbox. Well, APPARENTLY, Matt throws like a girl. Of course, this has been hyperbolized and expanded many times since to original occurrence to include such descriptions as me throwing with same foot forward and not even being able to hit the mailbox (a solid 10m away). But yes, this originated in high school...and despite the fact that they have not seen evidence of a "girly throw" since that one fateful day, the joke remains.

1. AT ALL - Ouch. This one can sting. Throw those two words on the end of any sentence directed at me and they are like a slap to the face. Or daggers through my groin. Or like 100 midgets tying me down and tickling me to death. Anyway, this was a joke which I actually had to relate to my friends. I liked a girl who was in a couple of university classes with me. For the sake of anonymity, we will call her Jen Samis from St Albert. So I hung out with her a bit, went to dinner a couple times, watched some movies, etc. On St Patrick's Day a few years back, there was a Phys Ed party at the Iron Horse, so we both went. She brought along her friend, and her friend and I started talking. Well, before she called me a killer of cute, innocent, Afghani babies, she told me how Jen felt about me. The exchange was something like this:

Her: "You like Jen, don't you?"
I: "Yeah, I do."
Her: "She thinks you're a good guy...but she's just not attracted to you...AT ALL."

Owwwwww! That hurts. As if saying "but" in there didn't get the message across clearly enough, she had to go on and explain that I wasn't attractive. And never mind not being a little attracted but not being interested...she wasn't attracted AT ALL. Now is that really necessary? Ouch. Ouch. So anyway, anytime one of my friends directs a comment toward me and adds AT ALL on the end, and I flinch...now you know why.

So there you have the top three long-running jokes directed at yours truly. But hey, I'm sure there are many more jokes that will never die. Hopefully there are more to come, too. We think we're funny...don't you?