Edition 1, Volume 1
Today...I think I will solve a pressing world issue. I know I'm on vacation and all, but the world needs me. So here I am, world.
The issue of the day - OBESITY. Seriously, this is a major problem. It increases one's probablity of getting certain types of cancer, diabetes, irregular heart rythms, muscle and joint pain, and leaves local lawmakers feeling like chumps after allowing people to be topless in public. The average weight gain for an american adult is 1.5-2 pounds per year. So even if you're a healthy, strapping lad of 25 years...watch out. That means the average person will gain...uh...um...I've been out of school for a while...a lot of pounds. And don't forget about that freshman 15 you gained because you took up beer drinking and bar food to replace the cross-country team and basketball. 15 pounds of fat means one has consumed 52 500 kcal more than one needs...this is not like an extra rice cake per year we're talking about.
Now, for the solution to the problem. Drumroll, please....STOP EATING LIKE CRAP! Seriously, this is the solution. That's all people have to do. It all became clear in an epiphany-like moment this weekend when a formerly skinny, now not-so-skinny girl, came up to my formerly fat, now not-so-fat friend, and told him how good he looked. I know how this guy eats, because I work with him and practically live with him too. So I know why he lost weight. Which makes it all too obvious why she gained it. So, world, if you want to cut down on healthcare costs and prevent dinosaur-like extinctions due to lack of food in the world, HEED MY WORDS....STOP EATING LIKE CRAP.
"Well thanks, jackass, for your stirring and in-depth insight into a major world health epidemic. But what do I do about it?" Do not fear, ladies and gentlemen. Ah, who am I kidding...no girls read this. So do not fear, gentlemen. In the next edition...more specifics. That's right, folks...the one and only Southport Healthy Lifestyle Change, explained for your use.
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8 comments:
I don't like your diet Matt. It made you too skinny. You used to be the dominant alpha male that we could all turn to. Now you aren't that big anymore and I'm scared and confused. Who will lead our clan in this violent world? I'm filled with terror. Terror. Terror. Man I hate that word. Terror.
Will there be a vegetarian option in this Southport diet?
Fair enough. If you don't want to lose fat, don't follow this lifestyle.
There's always a vegetarian option. There are tons of meat alternatives that fit the lifestyle perfectly. So that means...you're in.
Whoa...did KYLE just call ME too skinny?? I don't know if that makes the comment null or if it makes it that much more powerful. I will have to meditate on this.
You're the token army guy. You're supposed to be the biggest one! Jeff outweighs you, and Tim and I weigh about the same as you. TOKEN BIG GUY!! Know your role Matt...
Cool! As the average size, average build, brown hair, blue eye, white male...I've never thought I have been a token anything. I'm a token! Yes!!
Thank you for this Kyle. Thank you so much.
You're boring Matt. Not huge like me.
Seriously, when did I become the big guy? Man that sucks. Time to save for the lipo.
Or to look forward with great (or feigned) anticipation to my next post.
I can't belive you're the big guy either. I'll work on it.
I'm only big in the ego. Okay, and the gunt.
AND THE GROIN! Ya, groin. That'll work. Get posting this Southport diet bs already. I bought whole wheat pasta the other day. Cheer for me.
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